Rorschach’s SEO Journal

Given that I work in SEO and that Watchmen is one of my favourite films of all time, I’ve had this idea on the back burner for a while.

I have just one request of you though, dear reader/fellow SEO/fellow Watchmen fan. Please don’t take any of it seriously. Read, laugh and enjoy! 🙂

Full credit for the original text goes to its writer, Alan Moore, who’d probably weep if he knew I’d desecrated his excellent work. Or bludgeon me. Or both. Simultaneously.

OCTOBER 12, 2015:

Rorschach image 1Panda dancing in the algo this morning, version 155. This search engine is afraid of me. I have seen its true SERPs. The results are extended sewers and the sewers are full of spam and when the drains finally scab over, all the black hats will lose rankings. The accumulated filth of all their link wheels and keyword stuffing will foam up about their backlink profiles and all the directory submitters and article spinners will login and type “Save us!”…

…and I’ll look at Google’s search bar on my screen, and type in “no results found.”

They had a choice, all of them. They could have followed in the footsteps of good SEOs like my father, or Rand Fishkin. Decent SEOs, who believed in a day’s work for a day’s pay. Instead they followed the teachings of black hat forums and short-term tactics and didn’t realise that the trail led over a precipice until it was too late. Don’t tell me they didn’t have a choice.

Rorschach image 2Now the whole Web stands on the brink, staring down into bloody hell, all those copywriters and content creators and bloggers… and all of a sudden, nobody can think of anything to search.

OCTOBER 16, 2015:

[…] Heard joke once: Businessman goes to SEO consultant. Says he’s got no rankings. Says SERP seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening search engine where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. SEO consultant says “Recommendation is simple. Great Googler Matt Cutts is at conference today. Go and see him. That should help you out.” Man bursts into tears. Says “But, consultant… I am Matt Cutts.” Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.

NOVEMBER 1, 2015:

Rorschach image 3[…] This last entry. Will shortly email to only people can trust. Tell Sebald I need to check my maildrop. He believes me. If reading this now, whether I am ranking or banned, you will know truth. Whatever the precise nature of this conspiracy, Eric Schmidt responsible. Have done best to make this crawlable. Believe it displays a disturbing image search. Appreciate your recent links and hope Web survives long enough for this to reach you. But different results are in Bing and copywriting is on website. For my own part, regret nothing. Have SEOed sites, free from compromise… and step into the SERPs now without penalty. Rorschach, November 1st, 2015.

[Image credits, in order of appearance: Obi-Fran Kenobi; Logan Zawacki; Shaddai Berron]

6 Comments

  • Emma

    April 6, 2013 at 12:31 pm Reply

    Amazing! Watchmen is one of my favourite graphic novels and so therefore this gets an instant share. “I am Matt Cutts!”

    • Steve

      April 6, 2013 at 12:45 pm Reply

      Awesome, thanks Em! 🙂

  • Don Rhoades

    April 6, 2013 at 8:52 pm Reply

    Funny, many SEOs looked forward to the algorithm updates. Hoping their sites would rise, and reclaim traffic from “undeserving” ones. Must currently be holding breath in anticipation.

  • Anthony Pensabene (or Content Muse when dressed in costume)

    May 2, 2013 at 11:40 am Reply

    as mentioned, i don’t have experience w the graphic novel, but i definitely dig your creativity in channeling a character and superimposing against modern-day Seo.

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